The Wonders of Mormon Marriage
by StardustSpills
Summary: This is a somewhat funny story with lots of fluff. There will be pairings in the future. Rated T for language. Yes, I know the title is weird, but it will eventually make sense, I promise! Read and Review!
1. What a smug bastard

A/N: Hi there! This is my first School of Rock fanfic and it is set in high school. The band is finished, but everyone's still good friends (despite the fact that Zach, Freddy and Katie have all gone to a different school). So anyway, I'm planning to write more chapters, but I'll only do it if I get reviews, because I don't see any point in writing if no one's going to read it. The first chapter is pretty short, but enjoy!

Disclaimer: I'm sitting here eating dry crunchy nut cornflakes because I have no milk. Do you seriously think I own any of this?

$The Wonders of Mormon Marriage

The sliminess and obsequiousness of David Maxwell is unforgivable, in Zach's humble opinion. It's surprising his arms aren't constantly trying to rise into the air and regain their natural place, seeing as how they spend more time stretched above his head than by his side. Zach's lips are pursed when he sees the tiny indication of Maxwell's left pinky that shows he's about to raise his hand, for about the thousandth time today.

"Smug bastard," Zach hissed to the girl at his right, who merely grunted to show her understanding.

"Now we didn't cover this in class, so I'd be extra chuffed if anyone knew it. Who was Prime Minister during the National Government of the 1930s?"

Zach's teeth grind as Maxwell's voice rings out confidently, "Ramsey McDonald, Miss?"

The teacher's face lights up and she beams a smile in his direction, while pointing a look of disdain at the rest of her less-then-enthusiastic students. "You truly are my ray of sunshine amongst clouds, David."

"Ucht! What a smug bastard! How can he _live_ with himself when – " Zach glances to the girl at his right once again, and sighs when he follows her glare. "Katie, what are you doing? They're not going to catch fire, you know, no matter how hard you try." Katie's eyes briefly flicker from the two heads sitting directly in front of them.

"I'm not trying to make them catch fire," she states matter-of-factly, a grim look upon her face. "Not today. Today I am trying to make the Tart fall in love with Maxwell. Maybe then she'll . . . maybe then she won't break my best friend's heart, which is inevitable, my friend! Just you wait and see. Besides," she continued, "I think it's working. She glances at his every so often."

"She's probably just thinking what a smug bastard is."

"Hmmm . . . maybe. But she's also tapping her pencil furiously, which is a sure sign of sexual frustration."

Zach looks at his best friend with wonder and amusement. "Where the hell do you get this stuff from, Kates?"

She shrugs. "I make most of it up."

"The Labour Government of the 50s, wasn't it, Miss?"

Katie hisses as the teacher beams at the suck-up who looks incredibly proud of himself. "What an insufferably smug bastard!"

Katie and Zach glance at each other out of the corner of their eyes, and silently but hysterically crack up with laughter. In Zach's mind, these moments with Katie are rare. She seldom laughs and talks with the abandon and excitement she used to. To an outsider, she may look perfectly fine and happy, but Zach knows that when she slips into her thoughtful moments, it's necessary to keep her occupied in case she never comes back out of them again. "Fancy watching a DVD tonight with me and Freddy?"

"Is the Tart coming?" she asked, hesitantly.

"No. At least I hope not. He didn't say. Freddy!" he whispers, rather loudly too, which, completely beats the point of whispering, the thought flitting through Katie's mind. However, it obviously wasn't loud enough for Freddy's unbreakable reveries, and Zach is forced to whisper again, even louder, if possible. Still no light shining from Freddy.

"Bam-bam!" Katie tries, and when he hears the familiar nickname, he turns around, with an inquisitive look upon his face.

"What?" Again, with the loud whispers. What is it with those two?

"So it's just you, me and Kate tonight, right?"

"Yeah. Awesome. What d' you want to watch?"

Zach grins, and leans back in his chair nonchalantly. "I'm up for anything as long as it's not your – " pointed look at Freddy "- sci-fi shit, or your – " pointed look at Katie – "French crap. I want to watch a real movie for once."

Katie looks deeply insulted and gives him a dirty stare. "Oh, you mean like your 'Bruce Willis, Jackie Chan, Will Smith' type of films where the jokes are lazy, the writing's rubbish and the good guy always says a cheesy line before he kills the bad guy?"

Zach grins wider and pats her on the head. "Exactly what I had in mind, sweetheart."

"Well, forget it," snaps Freddy. "It's tripe and I'm not watching it."

"Don't then. You can sit in the corner and imagine a space cyborg has kidnapped you, and you're waiting for the chick out of Underworld to come and save your arse."

"Zach," Katie knocks him on the knuckles affectionately, but exasperatedly, as if she's used to these kinds of arguments, "I'm not watching that stuff either."

Freddy smiles smugly. "There, see? Now, why don't _you_ sit in a corner and wait for someone to come and rescue _you_, yelling 'Yippi-ki-yay, mother fucker!'"

"Maybe – I – will," he stresses.

The argument gets progressively louder, and the teacher is forced to raise her voice a little higher to continue her lesson. "So it was the Conservative government who in fact made the most changes – Katie, Zach and Freddy, please continue! Don't let my lesson get in the way of your idle gossip! It is always, always you three to disturb my class! What do you have to say for yourselves?"

The three best friends stopped abruptly, not a moment too soon, either, as from the way that Freddy's fists were raised, it looked as if it was about to be physical. "Sorry miss," they chorus in unison.

The teacher turns her back to write on the board and continues talking from where she left off. All three break into a smirk as Zach whispers, "Yippi-ki-yay, mother fucker," so that only his two friends can hear.


	2. Call me Princess again

A/N: Hey guys. This is the second chapter to my story, and I would like to say thank you to the reviewer who warned me about the British language I tend to use. I've tried to make this chapter better, because the one thing I really hate is when Harry Potter is Americanized, so I suppose it's a bit hypocritical of me to use British-isms in School of Rock.

Disclaimer: Again, I own nothing.

Katie felt the breath in her lungs compress in anger and all the blood in her body rushed to her face, as she tried to stay calm. She was sitting inconspicuously behind a large bookcase in the school library, eavesdropping into Freddy and the Tart's conversation.

"I still don't see why I can't come, baby," the blonde girl whined to Freddy, who sighed exhaustedly and rubbed his nose in indifference.

"You know how you go out with the girls once a month?" The blonde girl nodded. "Well, this is like that. It's just going to be us three, hanging out. I don't know why you'd want to come anyway." Katie felt herself nodding in agreement with her best friend, and instinctively ducked down lower, in case either of them heard her head movements.

"You don't know why I'd want to come? How about because I'm your girlfriend? How about because you're supposed to want to spend time with me? How about because I like to watch movies, too, you know? Or, forgive me, but how about because the idea of my boyfriend spending time with a girl who isn't me makes me a _little_ mad?" Katie's enemy frowned and stamped her feet like a spoiled toddler.

Freddy laughed quietly, and said, "You're annoyed because Katie's going to be there?" His girlfriend pouted and made a moaning sound. "Look, I don't know how to tell you this, but Katie is always going to be there. She's Katie!"

"Isn't it a bit weird, anyway, a sixteen-year-old girl hanging out with two guys?"

Freddy's eyes narrowed, and Katie danced a jig in her head as she heard what he said next. "How is it weird? We've been best friends for years. She – they – are my family, and I love them."

"Yeah, well, you should love me." Freddy's jaw dropped open as he stared at the girl in front of him.

"Seriously? We're going to have this conversation again? I told you – not to push me on this, Amy. Do you want me to say it when you know I'm not ready yet?"

"Well, no."

"See?" he exclaimed as a sigh of relief escaped him.

"I want you to be ready! How long do I have to wait? We've been going out for ages!"

Freddy snorted nervously. "We've been going out for three months. I hardly call that 'ages.'"

"No? Well, you slept with me after three weeks. What do you call that?" Amy's voice echoed over the library.

"Lucky, I suppose, huh, Freddy?" Katie peered around the side of the bookcase, as Zach flashed a smile in Amy's direction. The blonde girl was clearly pissed off that one of Freddy's friends had disrupted their conversation – again.

Freddy shakes his head, still a little embarrassed from Amy's outburst. "Zach… what are you doing? Are you trying to make things worse?"

"Not intentionally," he grinned. "But if it occurs in the process, so much for the better."

Amy gave a hateful glare at Zach, and then a deeper and more intense stare at Katie, who had just appeared beside Zach, realising that it was okay for her to be there now that he was.

"What process?" asked Freddy, rubbing his temples. "What are you talking about?"

"The process," Zach began, "of making you hurry your ass up. We've been waiting for at least three minutes."

Amy snorts, and smiles mirthlessly. "Three minutes?"

"It's three minutes too long," Zach shot back, carelessly. Amy looked away, embarrassed that they always seem to have comebacks.

"Fine. I have to go Ames."

"Seriously? You're actually going to go?"

"Of course I am. I – "

"Freddy, if you leave here, don't bother talking to me again." She stepped forward, her tall frame level with his, her eyes narrowed and looking straight into his face.

"Ah, what a shame. What an incredible loss of friendship, Bam-Bam, huh?"

"Why do you always call him that?" Amy rounds on Katie, her intense glare concentrated on the brunette.

"What?" she asked, rather snottily.

"Bam-Bam! What is with that?"

Katie steps closer and hisses, "Why is that any of your business, you leech?"

"Kates… just – "

"Leave it, I know, I know," she sighs as she steps back into place beside Zach. Freddy walks beside them, and all three start to head out the door.

"I'll phone you later…?" Freddy looked around at Amy.

"Whatever," she flicked her hair over her shoulder and turned away from them.

As the three best friends stepped out of the school doors, Zach turned to Freddy, astounded. "'I'll phone you later?' Why?"

"Listen," Freddy sighed. "She's my girlfriend. And I know you two aren't fond of her," (he deliberately ignored the snorts coming from the two teenagers beside him) "but I like her. Do you think you could at least try and get along?"

"Bam-Bam, we have tried! She's the one who hates us." Katie played the hem of her skirt, as she chanced a glance at the blond boy on her left.

"Ah, speak for yourself. She hates _you_, Kates."

"Okay, so she hates me. There's nothing I can do about it. Even if there was, there's nothing I want to do about it. Why should I have to change myself, or the way I am around you, just for her?"

"Because I asked you to?" he asked, pouting.

Katie watches Zach who is kicking a can along the road, a few feet in front. She shakes her head slowly and sighs. "It's too hard…"

Freddy looks up, confused. "What is? What's too hard, Kates?"

Katie looks away embarrassed. "Hmm? Oh, nothing. Never mind."

"Katie – " Freddy's attentions are snatched towards Zach, who has kicked a can directly at a car window. Instinctively, all three sprint around the corner.

"Zach! For Gods' sake!" Katie squealed, squatting his arm. He holds his hands up in apology and smiles.

"I know! I'm sorry. My bad."

"Yes it is!" she glares.

Zach sidles up to Katie, playfully brushing up against her arm and looks down at her with an evil glint in his eye. "Ah. Does my naughtiness turn you on, Katherine?"

Katie frowns and steps away from him. "Stop saying these types of things to me. It's getting more and more frequent. What would you do if suddenly, I decided that it did actually turn me on? What then, Casanova?"

"I – being the kind-hearted and gentle guy that I am – would comply with your every wish and command."

"Well, my wish for today is for you to buy me some chocolate and I command you to do it."

"Ah, Princess, I would, but money is tight…"

"Bullshit," exclaims Freddy. "You're supposed to be renting the DVD anyway."

"Okay, money may not be tight, but I am. So buy your own god damn candy."

"Fine," she sighed. "Wait for me here, okay?" Both Freddy and Zach watch silently as she goes into a drugstore across the road.

"Hey," Freddy nods his head in Zach's direction. "What's wrong with Kates? She's a bit… weird, just now, isn't she?"

"Well, yeah," Zach muttered. "Hardly surprising though, right?"

"Why?" Freddy exclaimed. "Why?"

"Oh, Freddy , come on! You can't be that stupid, can you?"

"Make your point right now, Mooneyham, or I swear – "

"You'll what? You haven't beaten me in a fight since the fourth grade!"

"That's the only fight we've ever had!" Freddy yelled.

"Whatever, _Bam-Bam_, that's not the issue here."

Freddy sighed and scratched the back of his neck. "You were the one to bring it up! So what's wrong with Kates?"

"I'm not sure, but I'm guessing – and by guessing, I mean, it's freaking obvious to everyone, save yourself probably – I'm guessing that it's hardly easy for her to see you with Amy, now, is it?"

"Why?" he asked, blankly.

Zach grunts in disbelief. "Why do you think, moron? She is completely, hopelessly, blindly, devotedly, sickeningly… in love with you."

"You jerk. She is not. What's wrong with her and why aren't you telling me?" Zach looks incredulously at his best friend, just as Lily comes out of the store holding two bars of chocolate. "Never mind. Tell me later," Freddy whispered. Zach raises his eyebrows in genuine surprise.

"Here, Bam-Bam, I got you a bar, too." Katie threw a bar of chocolate in Freddy's direction, and he smiled at her in gratitude.

"What? Where's mine?" Zach pouted.

"Oh. I didn't think you'd want any. You didn't say."

"Of course I wanted some! Freddy didn't say either, and you still…"

"Ah, relax, you big baby! Of course I got you some." She took another chocolate bar from her pocket and held it out to Zach. When he reaches for it, she pulls back and grins. "Call me Princess again." Freddy laughs, enjoying the mild torture.

"Princess Katie, the only girl to ever reach my heart emotionally."

"That's what I like to hear, Zachary." She gives him the candy and pats him on the shoulder.

"And the only girl ever known to refuse my love and charms."

"Puh-lease," she snorts, rubbing his hair. "There's an entire club of us."

A/N: Read and review please! Like it? Hate it? Any improvements I could work on? Help me with this story, please! Thank you.


	3. The Pleasures of a Childish Nickname

The Secret Pleasures of a Childish Nickname

The Secret Pleasures of a Childish Nickname

A/N: Well :O! I've decided to pick this story up again. I kind of forgotten about it, what with my rush to finally leave high school and have a good summer. D But here we go. The long-withheld chapter 3. drumroll… Or not. :

Disclaimer: I just play with the characters and put them in my own version of their lives. Don't sue me for it, please. (

The bed creaked as Katie moved swiftly from lying on her tummy to the headboard, and squeezed in between Zach and Freddy. All three teenagers stared at the rolling credits and sighed.

"Okay," said Zach, glaring at the TV screen, "Who's idea was it to get that shit?"

Together, Katie and Freddy rolled their eyes. "Yours." The bed creaked again, as Freddy reached down to scratch his ankle.

"Don't ever let me choose a DVD ever again, okay?"

"Fine by me," Katie scoffed. "You always pick awful ones."

"Really," Freddy yawned, sweeping a carefree hand through his blond hair. "We should have known. 'John Tucker Must Die'? I think, in this case, it should be _all_ the cast and crew that were involved in that damn film who should die; not just poor John Tucker. Why did we get this anyway? Our collected stupidity astounds me sometimes, it really does. Since when have any of us ever enjoyed a film set in high school, huh?"

"Yeah, I suppose," Zach grinned. "But now we'll know better for next time."

Katie laughed. "Yeah, right! Like we ever learn. Hey… what time is it?"

Zach stretched across the bed, flailing his feet in Katie's face while doing so. She muttered a few incoherent words to show her distaste at his grubby socks being shoved up her nose. "Just after nine."

"I better go," she said, rising up from the bed. "I still have an English essay to start."

"I'll walk you home, Kates." Freddy reached behind her legs and grabbed his shoes. He started tying them up, before Katie stuttered,

"Ah… you don't have to."

"It's fine. Honestly." He peered up at her, and Katie's breath caught in her throat. _It's hard to stay away from him when he's so damn cute._

"But… you're in the other direction."

"Kates, I'm walking you home. Okay? It's dark outside and your house is a mile away."

"Exactly!" she looked satisfied. "So is yours. That means you'll have to walk _two_ miles to get home."

Freddy laughed affectionately. "No I won't, idiot. Both our houses may be a mile away from here, but they're not two miles away from each other."

"Oh, yeah," she smiled, slightly pink. "I suppose not."

"So, come on, dummy." Freddy picked up both their bags. "Bye Zach."

"Yeah, bye Zachary. See you tomorrow. Thanks for having us over."

When they stepped outside Zach's house, the wind took them both by surprise. Katie wrapped her scarf tighter around her neck, and instinctively leaned in towards Freddy.

"Kates?"

"Hm?" She looked up at him, and Freddy couldn't help but notice how long and dark her eyelashes were.

"Are you okay?" he whispered.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Feeling a little awkward, she stepped away a few inches.

"I dunno. You've seemed a bit weird for the past few weeks…"

"Hmm. Well… I'm fine Bam-Bam. But thanks for worrying." She smiled softly.

"So, what essay is it? Discursive or 'Romeo and Juliet'?" He kicked a stone slightly and it bounced off the bumper of a car.

"Both, actually. But I'll start the 'Romeo and Juliet' one tonight, I think."

They walked a few more minutes in silence. Katie was distracted by the brightness of the moon, and was thinking how lovely this walk would be if it wasn't for the ever-present thoughts of the Tart.

"Katie?" he whispered. She looked up through her eyelashes again, and Freddy nervously looked down at his shoes. "My… relationship with Amy… Does it bother you?"

"Of course it does. She's a tart, Bam-Bam."

"But, does it bother you more than that? I mean… Zach doesn't like her either, but, well… he seems to think that there's, uh, another reason that you don't like her. That you don't like me being with her."

Katie stopped, frozen in her tracks and glanced up at her home, which they had just reached. "I don't like her because she's a tart. You shouldn't listen to everything Zach says, Freddy." She turns and jogs up her front steps.

Startled, Freddy says, "You called me Freddy."

Katie turns and looks at him. "That's your name, isn't it?"

"But – "

"Maybe Amy was right. Me calling you Bam-Bam is a bit stupid, I suppose." She turns and walks quickly up her path.

"Katie!"

She pretends not the notice, and closes the door behind her, leaving Freddy staring at the spot she was just standing in. "Fuck."

A/N: Reviews please. -


	4. Zach Mooneyham Talks Sense

Disclaimer: Still, I own nothing

Disclaimer: Still, I own nothing.

Zach Mooneyham Talks Sense

Freddy had just reached his bedroom door, when his cell began to ring. He looked at the caller ID, contemplating whether to answer, or let it ring out.

"Hey," he answered, eventually.

"Freddy." He could hear the sigh of relief in Amy's voice. "I was worried you weren't going to pick up."

"Well, I did."

"So… how was it?"

"What?" he asked.

"The DVD night thing with Zach and… Katie?"

"Oh. Fine." He tried hard to keep the irritation out of voice, but after a few moments of silence, he asked, "What did you call for then, Amy?"

"… I just wanted to talk."

"Sorry… of course. I'm just… distracted is all." He dumped his backpack and made his way down to the kitchen for some food.

"Distracted? By what, exactly?"

"I don't know. It doesn't matter." He rummaged around the cupboards. "Never anything to eat in this god damn house."

Amy sighed at the other end.

"Amy? Why don't you like Katie?"

"What's to like?" she scoffed. "She just pisses me off. The way she is around you. She should show some respect for me, you know. I'm your girlfriend, not her."

Freddy clenched his teeth. "Maybe you should show her some respect too. She's my best friend. She means a lot to me."

"More… more than me?" Amy asked, somewhat reluctantly. "She means more to you than me?"

Freddy sighed. "It's different, isn't it? You're my girlfriend. She's my best friend."

"How is it different?"

Confused and irritated at such a stupid question, he snapped, "What do you mean? Of course it's different. Why wouldn't it be?"

"But… say, if you had to choose – between me and her…"

"What?" he asked, incredulously.

"Who would you choose? Seriously?"

"Don't make me answer that." He slammed the fridge shut, unsatisfied at having found nothing he wanted to eat.

"Well, why not?"

"Because it's a ridiculous question." He rubbed his temples. "I wouldn't choose."

"What if I told you… that you _had_ to choose."

"Then, I'd choose her."

"What?!" she screamed. "How could you choose her?!"

"Because," he sighed, "you were the one who asked me to choose. How could I be with someone who would make me give up my friends?"

"Would you choose me if she was the one to tell you to choose, then?"

"For Christs' sake, Amy, I don't know. I'm going to sleep now, I'll see you tomorrow." He hung up the phone just as he heard her yell _"Wait!"_

The next day at school, Katie had successfully managed to avoid Freddy in class, in the corridors, and in the cafeteria. And now she was standing 10 feet away from him on the school grounds, while he and Zach had gone outside for some fresh air before last period.

"She called me 'Freddy' last night, you know."

Zach was munching on a bag of chips, and said, sort of disinterestedly with his mouth full, "So?"

"So?! So! So, she calls me Bam-Bam. She always does. She hasn't said Freddy in about two years, Zach." Freddy sighed, and sat down on the grass.

Landing beside him, Zach suggested, "Maybe she wanted a change or something."

"No, man. She said it to hurt me."

"It hurt you?" he asked, looking up from examining the back of the packaging he was eating out of. "That she called you Freddy?"

"Well, I mean… she calls me Bam-Bam as a sign of affection, right? A sign of closeness. She's the only one who calls me it."

"I, personally, think you're reading too much into it." Freddy pulled some blades of grass up from the ground, and twisted them beneath his fingers, glancing up at Katie for a second, before looking away.

"You, personally, are truly moronic if you don't know how Katie is," he scoffed.

"This, coming from the guy who completely chose to ignore what was right under his nose?"

"Shut up," he snapped. "I'm trying to think." He chances a glance over at Katie again, and his heart speeds up when he sees that she's sneaking a glance at him, too. She looks back at the girl who's talking to her when she sees him looking.

"What chips did you get?"

"Huh?" he tears his eyes from Katie to Zach, who's trying to peer around him to the chips by Freddy's side.

"What flavour of chips did you get?"

"Oh. Eh, bacon. Why?"

"Well, I got cheesy Doritos. Fancy mixing them together?" Zach grinned.

Freddy stared at the bag in Zach's hands and frowned. "But you've finished yours."

"Oh, that's right! Well, how about I take half of yours, anyway?"

"Oh, for God's sake. Here, you greedy bastard. Have them." He hands Zach the unopened bag of potato chips.

"Oh, Frederick. Bless you!"

"So, what should I do?" he asked, staring at Katie again.

"About what?" Zach shoved a handful of chips into his mouth.

Freddy stared at him in distaste for a couple of seconds before yelling, "About Katie! Are you even listening to a word I say?"

"Oh, right. Yeah, of course I was listening. Well, what do you think you should do?"

Freddy got up and sighed dramatically. "You're really no help at all. I don't even know why I'm asking you for advice on something like this." He starts to walk back in the direction of the school building, and Zach yells after him.

"Freddy! Listen. I may not know a lot about girls. But I've been friends with Katie since I was five years old. And I know her. She's staying away from you because she's embarrassed that you found out her true feelings for you. I'm sorry to tell you this dude; but I don't think you can date Amy and still keep Katie as a friend as well. It's passed all that now."

Freddy's eyes wandered to the brown-haired girl a few feet away. "You think so?"

"Yes. So? Do you want Amy, or do you want Katie? And if you choose Amy, I will punch you in the face so hard, neither of them will want you anymore." As the bell rang, Zach shoved the remaining chips into his mouth.

A/N: Reviews please. : It makes me update faster.


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